About a month ago I lost a friend… a best friend.
Let’s take a step back…..
I was a bridesmaid in her wedding (yes only a bridesmaid despite being her ONLY best friend for 7 years) and I was super excited to witness her union. I was also equally as excited to be turning 25, but apparently I had to choose.
I decided that I would dye my hair purple for my 25th birthday – I mean a girl only turns 25 once right – and if you know me, you know I dye my hair every year around my birthday so of course a new color was in order.
25th birthday came and oh baby was my hair purple. I loved it! Everyone loved it but, ole girl. Got hit with an ultimatum 2 days later... wedding or brown hair??? Let’s take another step back.
The color was never a secret, not a secret to the point that she helped me choose my final color. Shall we continue?
Wedding or Brown Hair?? Wedding or Brown hair?? WEDDING or BROWN HAIR???
Needless to say, the brown hair didn’t happen and as a result I got kicked out of the wedding, got told I was jealous of her relationship (apparently I had always been), was generationally poor, was never gone be shit, couldn’t sing….. BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH…
I was more angry than hurt. I felt betrayed. I had given so much to this relationship. I had sacrificed so much, humbled myself so many times. I loved despite being shown over and over and over again that she wasn’t for me. But why did it take a wedding and an email to end it? Why hadn’t I said no more, the other times she tried it? Why was our friendship more important than my peace?
A month later and I’m still regurgitating the same story and still getting just as angry as the day it happened. But then it dawned on me, what’s the point of replaying past hurts? Why disrupt my peace over someone who never cared? Why even speak on her and entertain the thoughts of her? Am I not in charge of my own life?
Being hurt and allowing myself to feel is one thing, but making the incident important enough to speak on it is another. How dare I give weight power to something meant to tear me down?
To my thoughts…. new memories are ahead.
To my heart… it’s okay to feel pain but never let it harbor.
To my once upon a time friend…. Thank you for forcing me to make loving myself priority.