Whenever I find myself at a standstill with God, I always try to go back to the day everything changed. More often than not I am unable to figure out that actual moment in time, because it’s never a day month or a week or a day that alters my relationship. It is always a moment that if done differently would’ve created a totally different outcome. One minute decision that completely shifted my walk with God. For the past 5 or 6 years, I’ve had more of those moments than I can even count.
But why do I struggle with my relationship with God so much and so often? I grew up in the church and at a young age I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. Not because I was forced or felt like I had to do it to please anyone else but because I’ve ALWAYS known God was real. I felt the Holy Spirit even before I officially received His presence. I knew at the age of 3 or 4 that even I didn’t know Him… God knew me. He knew me and He had a divine plan for my life. That was I was powerful and that my life mattered to Him.
But yet I find myself almost 20 years later at a place where I can barely utter a prayer. The thought brings so much anxiety that I shut the idea down almost as soon as it comes to mind. Don’t get me wrong, I can stand firm on the fact that I will NEVER just completely walk away or denounce Christianity. I don’t care how many people say I was forced into this religion as an African American woman or how many people swear I pray to a Caucasian red head or those that feel like Christians are nothing but hypocrites and the bible contradicts itself (do research without ego… No Shade). I will NEVER downplay who Jesus Christ is.
But… I can honestly say that our relationship is weak. That my spiritual connection is so far away that it feels nonexistent some days. I can quote scripture and I can speak on God’s love for others but I cannot bring myself out of the dark. And daily I ask myself why. At this point I can’t blame it on the devil because I know him. I know what he does, I know his motives. Can’t keep using this same excuse. It’s me. I go through this same cycle because for the past 16 years I’ve been afraid to surrender my heart. To completely trust not because I don’t believe that God is real, but because I don’t (or didn’t) believe that God could love me pass my wrong. I’ve created this ridiculous idea that I am perfect. That’s gotta be it right? I mean if every time I sin I become ashamed, something isn’t right. If Jesus died so that I will no longer be bound by my sins, all of my sins, what am I ashamed of? What about what God has in store for me scares me so much?
Now I will say one thing and I don’t want to give the, devil credit but one thing is for certain, that kid is diligent. And he will pull out all the stops to try and kill God’s babies.
But… I am then reminded that the kid can’t touch me unless God says so. Which means, God is standing right beside me waiting to attack. He’s already in the know. So again, why? Why can’t I surrender? Honestly, I can’t answer that at this very moment. But I can say that I’m tired of being on the other side of surrendering and I’m ready to work it out. However long it takes and however bad it may feel (pray for me Saints) I need to get over that mountain. I can’t say I’m 100% ready but I realize waiting on that moment means I’ll never try. Oh what a journey it will be.