So I had this guy, and he was everything I wanted. At least, he said he was. And that’s all he did, say things. And I held on because I wanted to.
It took me a while to realize that I was not holding on for any other reason. It wasn’t that I really wanted him, I just wanted something to hold on to, and he was there. I wanted a relationship so badly that I settled for the prospect of one with him.
Don’t get me wrong, he was a nice guy. Educated, tall, chocolate and had a beard that was so well groomed you wouldn’t believe it.
I had to make myself believe otherwise. I wanted to be in love so badly that I was willing to come second — or third, fourth and fifth — to everything in this guy’s life. It’s not like I didn’t have several red flags waving in my face; I ignored them just to be able to say that he was bae. But I finally got fed up and did what was best for myself. Here is the process that my brain (and heart) took me through.
- Anger: I was so mad at him all the time that I was just mad. That anger came out on everything and everybody. My students felt it, my family felt it, my body felt it.
- Uncertainty: I constantly questioned our stability, his love for me, my love for him, and whether it was worth it. In the end it became clear that it was not.
- Fear: I just knew that I would end up in a worse place than before him, and I did not want to know what that looked like, at all.
- Depression and Anxiety: Although I had been diagnosed for a while, when we were together it was so terrible that I barely got out of bed. Everything made me nervous, and I was always extremely tired.
- Boredom: We never did anything or went anywhere. We also never saw each other. Not from my trying, but from his business. He never made time for me, and our relationship suffered from it.
- Realization: It became very clear to me that it would not work. We did not have the same beliefs, expectations, or priorities.
Now that I look back, it wasn’t love. I wanted it to be because he had what I thought I wanted. Education, career, foine: he was a prototype. But I now realize that a prototype is just that, and it’s okay to go through a couple drafts before settling down with one of them.