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-Lanicia Williams

Just in case you wondered… my depression doesn’t look like hers.

It’s not that somber shadow that won’t lift off my back, or the unruly hair the meme’s like to show.

It’s not trapping myself in my room for days because well, my life isn’t set up that way.

It’s not crying for no reason at all, in fact the tears have meaning.

It’s not cutting until the blood washes away the pain, even though, to actually be able to feel would be nice.

It’s not being drugged by physicians, taking anti-depressants… one in the morning and one at night (at least not anymore).

It’s not sitting in the dark, not showering for days… because I got shit to do.

What exactly is it then?

It is… walking in your neighborhood, noticing something new every week, not because you’re observant but because day to day you can’t focus long enough to notice.

It is… not being able to quiet your thoughts long enough to eat dinner, or shower or get dressed or sleep.

It is… forgetting. EVERYTHING!

It is… needing to cry but being so numb that the tears won’t come and when they do everyone stares.

It is… getting pretty and taking snapchat pictures praying the night ends so you can get back in bed.

It is… being available for everyone but self.

It is… going to work and school, always smiling, never quitting because no one’s going to take care of me but me.

It is… being good but never great because that brings too much unwanted attention.

It is… needing to run away but again, I got shit to do.

It is… being angry because it’s easier than being gentle.

It is… not truly trusting anyone because they could walk away.

It is… giving of my heart freely despite the previous statement.

It is… motivating others but never self.

It is… having an entire to do list to accomplish and being satisfied if only one thing gets done.

It is… walking away from God because I’m not important anyway.

It is… having the desire to heal but not being able to stick with anything long enough to see actual change.

It is… wanting time to stop so that you can take the time you need without facing the world.

It is… feeling like everyone is staring at you even when no one is looking.

It is… the scalp feeling like it’s going to rip from your skull because the tension from your thoughts won’t subside.

It is… replaying the worst moments over and over again because somehow reopening the wounds feels like victory.

It is… committing with every intention to follow through and then deadlines passes.

It is… taking the necessary steps to heal but dreading the process.

It is mine and it doesn’t look like hers.